You won’t see them at the dog park quite as often as Labs, Frenchies, or German shepherds, but Rottweilers almost always sit near the top of the AKC’s most popular breed list (they ranked #8 in 2020).
It’s pretty easy to understand why: Rotties are undeniably smart, sweet, and attractive pups, who have a ton of things going for them.
Or at least, that’s what Rottie lovers would have you think.
But I’m here to set the record straight, and explain how utterly terrible these pooches really are.
Let’s jump right in.
Six Reasons You Should Never Own a Rottweiler
I’ll go ahead and accept that the pro-Rottweiler community is going to rip me apart for this list, but I don’t care.
This will undoubtedly make my name go down alongside Copernicus and other courageous souls who spoke the truth when no one wanted to hear it. But I’m not doing this for fame. It’s just the right thing to do.
The truth must be told.
1. You’ll stop searching for love.
Dating is obviously one of the most pleasant, fulfilling, and life-affirming activities humans have invented. There’s simply nothing that soothes the soul like scrolling through profile after profile of well-adjusted human beings with whom you’d undoubtedly connect.
But once you add a Rottie to your life, you’ll likely lose the desire to do so.
Sure, you’ll still want some good old fashion human contact and whatnot, but the love part? Meh. You’ll just stop being driven to find love when you have a black-and-tan affection engine at your side.
Let me be clear, because this is a basic truth of the natural universe: No one will ever love you as much as your Rottie does.
Having already achieved peak love, you just won’t really feel the need to find another human to hold down second place in the love-giving department.
2. You’ll be constantly accosted by strangers praising your dog’s beauty.
I don’t know about you guys, but I prefer to go through life without every hearing kind words from strangers. It just bugs me to be walking along, minding my own business and hear someone say something friendly or polite.
What kind of weirdo is just nice to other people?
I know, it’s 2021, and I shouldn’t polite-shame people. But I can’t help it. It’s just the way I was raised.
Nevertheless, these people exist, and they want to ruin your otherwise compliment-free jaunt through the park. And you’ll find this phenomenon is especially common for those walking alongside a Rottie.
I can’t complete a single lap at the park without hearing “oh my goodness, what a beautiful dog!” or “she’s so gorgeous!” or some other kind of equally offensive verbal assault. I have even had entire families pull up alongside me at a stoplight, roll down their windows, and go on and on about how cute my dog is.
I try to take these indignities in stride, but it does wear on one’s constitution after a while.
3. Your endocrine system will get lazy.
The endocrine system is like a muscle, and you have to exercise it regularly. This means allowing yourself to become abjectly terrified of things like bumps in the night and sketchy-looking strangers at the park on a regular basis.
These kinds of experiences allow your adrenal glands to flood your bloodstream with adrenaline. And as we all know, this feels awesome.
But if you get a Rottie, you won’t get to enjoy this anymore, as your Rottie will spend most of her time protecting you and keeping an eye out for anything that may threaten her peeps.
Problem? Something out of the ordinary? Unusual sound?
Don’t worry, your Rottie is on it.
And for that matter, her muscular and menacing appearance will discourage the average criminal from targeting you in the first place.
So, rather than allowing your adrenal glands to get the workout they need, your Rottie will have you going through life calmly, confidently, and without a care in the world.
4. You won’t get to feel like the smartest member of your home anymore.
We’re pretty lucky as humans. With all due respect to dolphins and crows, we’re undeniably the smartest critters crawling around on this rock.
And celebrating this fact will make you feel good about yourself.
Maybe you’re not a particle physicist or Pulitzer winning author; but you’re smarter than that stupid squirrel sitting outside your window.
No, Rotties aren’t border collies or poodles (often considered #1 and #2 in the canine intelligence rankings), but they’re recognized as one of the 10 most intelligent breeds (they rank #9 in Stanley Coren’s famous book on dog intelligence).
In fact, Rotties have a seemingly supernatural gift for reading their humans.
Thinking about heading to the park? Chances are, your Rottie already knows, and she is now waiting patiently by the door. Need to give her some medicine she’s not fond of? She’s already read your furrowed brow and tense posture, so she’s quietly slunk away to hide.
Honestly, it’s pretty spooky at times, and it’s unsettling to know that I’m just struggling to understand a world my Rottie has already figured out.
5. You’ll pack on a few more pounds.
It’s easy to overlook all of the little things you do on a daily basis that help you stay fit and trim.
Take stairs, for example. Walking up the stairs to your house or apartment everyday burns some calories and helps you fight off weight gain.
But once you get a Rottie, you’ll find that stairs no longer qualify as exercise. You’ll just clip the leash to the back ring on her harness and hang on as she effortlessly drags you up the stairs.
Deprived of this healthy daily exercise, you’ll soon find your pants don’t quite fit as well as they used to.
And whatever you do, don’t buy a saddlebag for your Rottie. You’ll soon find that you can toss a surprising amount of stuff in there, which she’ll gladly tote around for you.
It’s really hard to appreciate just how strong these doggos are until you see this power up close. They could probably plow fields while dragging heavy farm equipment if you let them.
6. You won’t get to sleep alone anymore.
Few emotions are as enjoyable as loneliness. Sleeping alone without feeling the contact of another warm body? Pure bliss.
But you won’t get to enjoy this kind of isolation if you form a pack featuring a Rottie.
They’re aggressively snuggly.
Don’t get me wrong, my Rottie will occasionally seek the comfort of the couch in the middle of the night or go enjoy the cool tile of the kitchen floor. But 90 percent of the time, if I’m sleeping, she’s sleeping right next to me.
And this isn’t just at night, either. If I lay down on the couch for a little power nap, she calmly, deliberately, and unfailingly crawls right up on top of me, smothering me in 95 pounds of unconditional, unrelenting love.
Calm Down, Ya’ll: I Absolutely Love Rottweilers
Look, just in case your sarcasm detector is malfunctioning: I’m obviously kidding with all this.
- Rotties are easily some of the most loving dogs around, but they’ll never replace a human partner.
- I love hearing about how gorgeous my pooch is from strangers! She already knows, but I like hearing it. For that matter, I am usually quick to tell other owners how cute their canine is.
- Nobody really likes being frightened, roller coasters and horror flicks aside. But Rotties do help a lot of people feel safer.
- My Rottie is unquestionably sharp, but I like to think I am at least marginally smarter than she is. Probably.
- Your Rottie may actually help you lose weight, as you will need to go on lots of long walks. They will drag you around though at times.
- YMMV on this one, but I love sleeping next to my cuddle bug.
I’ve owned, met, and cared for scads of dogs over the course of my life, ranging from Labs to huskies to Chihuahuas to marvelous little mixed-breed mutts.
But Rotties have always held a special place in my heart.
If I recall correctly, my obsession started when I was 10 years old and saw the cuties in Ferris Bueller’s Day Off (two Rotties actually appear in the film, but they play the same character).
So, be advised that if I see you walking a Rottie at the park, I will ask to say hi (while knowing full well that Rotties aren’t always eager to make new friends) or at least explain how gorgeous the little four-footer is.
And not only do I love the breed, but I love my Rottie.
We hope you’ve found this helpful and that it’s given you a chuckle or two.
I am obviously a huge fan of Rotties, but I do think they’re a poor choice for many would-be owners. They’re categorically inappropriate for novices, and even those who’re very experienced with dogs may find them challenging at times.
So, before you run out and buy or adopt one of your own, be sure to check out our Rottweiler breed profile — it is important to know what you’re getting into with any dog, and it is critical that you do so before adding such an assertive, powerful, and protective dog to your pack.
Got a Rottie of your own? Let’s hear about her! What do you love about her? What did I forget to mention?
Sound off in the comments below!